Dear friend,
You‘ve likely noticed the terms "pick me girl" and "pick me boy" cropping up more frequently over the past few years. But what exactly makes someone a pick me? And should we view these attention-seeking behaviors as merely irritating or cause for deeper concern?
In this comprehensive guide, I aim to shed light on the complex psychology underpinning pick me culture so you can understand it more deeply and respond more empathetically if encountering it yourself.
The Origins and Evolution of Pick Me
While it only recently exploded into mainstream slang, pick me behavior has existed for generations in subtler forms. Researchers note similar dynamics among women categorized as "cool girls" or "not like the other girls" in literature and film as far back as the 1950s.
The specific phrase "pick me girl" emerged around 2018 on Black TikTok as a critique of women trying to differentiate themselves from others to appeal to men. By 2020, #PickMeGirl videos mocking this trope went viral more widely. That same year, the male counterpart "pick me boy" was coined.
As the table below shows, Google searches for "pick me" exploded in 2020, highlighting its transition into common lingo. Reddit and Twitter also saw spikes in usage.
| Year | Google Searches for "Pick Me" |
|---|---|
| 2018 | 49 |
| 2019 | 67 |
| 2020 | 599 |
| 2021 | 381 |
Urban Dictionary‘s top definition of a pick me girl from 2018 calls it "a girl who goes out of her way to impress boys and make them seem that she‘s ‘not like most girls‘ kind of girl." By 2022, the pick me boy page had racked up 33,000 upvotes, suggesting the phrase is here to stay.
Pick Me Behavioral Patterns and Motivations
Pick me girls tend to:
- Claim they don’t care about makeup or dressing up
- Proclaim to be “one of the guys” who dislikes traditionally feminine things
- Criticize other women as dramatic, high maintenance, slutty
- Repeatedly state how they are “not like other girls”
- Flaunt interest in stereotypical guy activities like sports, gaming, etc.
Pick me boys are likely to:
- Make exaggerated self-deprecating remarks about not being manly enough
- Proclaim unusually progressive or feminist views compared to other men
- Bash on other men to women, like calling them “fuckboys”
- Constantly apologize or qualify statements to prove being “respectful”
- Lament how no women want nice guys like them
At first glance, pick me behavior seems like a bid for attention and approval from the opposite sex. But clinical psychologists say deeper emotional needs are often at play:
- Validating self-worth – Having a fragile sense of self, pick mes seek external reinforcement.
- Overcoming rejection fears – They aim to preempt romantic rejection by aggressively self-promoting.
- Winning the “mate competition” – They view attracting the ideal mate as a competition to be won by standing out.
“By actively putting down same-sex peers, pick mes hope to boost their own appeal by appearing one-of-a-kind,” explains Dr. Anjali Nasa, psychologist. “But in reality, they end up perpetuating harmful gender assumptions.”
The Harmful Impacts of Pick Me Culture
On the surface, pick me antics can seem harmless, albeit annoying. But psychologists caution this behavior has numerous adverse emotional consequences:
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Damages self-esteem – Basing self-worth on others’ approval creates an unstable foundation vulnerable to rejection. Pick mes display cognitive dissonance trying to External vs. internal validation.
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Hurts social belonging – Deriding one’s own gender damages bonding and trust in peer relationships essential for wellbeing.
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Reinforces stereotypes – Pick mes validate narrow assumptions about what traits the opposite sex finds attractive. This indirectly puts down others for being themselves.
“Constantly molding your personality to fit some fictitious ideal to get picked by the opposite sex will only lead to self-alienation and turmoil,” cautions psychologist Dr. Sheila Thomas. “Cultivating inner security is key to healthy relationships.”
Advice for Curbing Pick Me Tendencies in Yourself
If you see glimpses of pick me behavior in yourself, don’t despair. Many people adopt bits of this persona due to normal insecurities. Focus on addressing the root causes:
Stop comparing yourself to others – Remember social media distorts reality. Your worth isn’t defined by likes or others’ approval.
Build self-esteem from within – List your core values and strengths outside of others’ opinions. What unique gifts can you cultivate?
Take social media breaks – Give yourself time free of influences exacerbating comparison and validation-seeking.
Make affirmations – Combat negative self-talk with regular positive affirmations about your inherent worth.
Pursue your true passions – Tune out gender assumptions and unapologetically engage in hobbies that light you up.
Therapy – For lasting change, seek counseling to work through confidence issues and identity integration.
Why Pick Me Culture Warrants Deeper Concern
It’s tempting to disregard pick me tendencies as just social media-fueled folly. However, dismissing pick me attention bids as merely annoying downplays their harmful emotional and cultural consequences.
These behaviors don’t arise out of nowhere – they are byproducts of the unrealistic ideals and polarizing gender assumptions our society foists upon developing minds. When children absorb messages that they must shrink the essence of who they are to gain love and acceptance, it sets the stage for fragmentation and anguish.
As parenting expert Ayesha Abid notes, “Children deserve environments where they can explore their multifaceted selves without limiting labels. We must discuss diverse identities and model self-acceptance.”
Likewise, educational institutions play a key role. “We need updated sex education teaching kids they are enough as they are, without suppressing uniqueness to conform to gender ideals,” says school counselor Priya Dhar.
Conclusion: Prioritizing Authenticity and Self-Acceptance
As we’ve explored, pick me tendencies reveal where society has progress to make in supporting vulnerable developing minds. But we all have power to foster change.
The cycle begins when each of us celebrates our own quirks, rebels against confining molds, and lives authentically. When you see past rigid assumptions to appreciate people’s humanity in its full dimension, you make pick me defenses less necessary. And when we cultivate the courage in our children to wholly embrace their selves, balance and belonging naturally follows.
No matter what pick me patterns you may witness in others, respond with compassion. Remember hurt people hurt people. But healed people can help people heal. Together, we move closer to a culture where no one feels the need to compete for acceptance or perform an idealized identity. For in freeing others to be true to themselves, our own spirits grow free.
Warmly,
Terry
