The term "tomgirl" refers to a male-identifying person who embraces interests and forms of expression traditionally associated with femininity. But what does it really mean to have a tomgirl identity? This comprehensive guide will explore the history, evolution and nuances of this complex term.
The Origins of "Tomgirl"
Before diving into the modern definition, it‘s helpful to understand where the term "tomgirl" comes from. The word has its roots in the concept of the "tomboy" – a girl who exhibits stereotypically masculine traits.
"Tomboy" first emerged in the 1500s but didn‘t gain widespread usage until the 1800s. At the time, rigid gender norms meant girls were expected to be dainty and delicate. Tomboys resisting this faced stigma for their interest in rough play, sports and dressing in breeches.
As Dr. Michelle Smith notes in her essay "The Tomboy History and Cultural Impact":
"The tomboy figure allowed girlhood a measure of physical agency denied under nineteenth century gender strictures."
"Tomgirl" arose over a century later as the masculine counterpart to tomboy. The Oxford English Dictionary‘s first recorded usage was in 1931, defined as "a boy who behaves like a girl."
Both terms challenged the gender binary by allowing for flexible expressions of masculinity and femininity in children. However, tomgirls have remained far more obscure in mainstream culture.
Defining the Modern Tomgirl Identity
In current usage, a tomgirl is generally defined as:
- A male-identifying person (typically AMAB – assigned male at birth)
- Who exhibits interests and behaviors associated with girls/women
- Through feminine self-expression, clothing, mannerisms and interests.
Tomgirl identity begins early, often between ages 5-10. Some key signs in tomboyish childhood behavior may include:
- Strong preference for playing with girls and "girls‘ toys."
- Love of glitter, dolls, fairies, princesses, pop music and other "girly" interests.
- Desire to regularly dress in feminine-coded clothing.
- Discomfort with traditional boys‘ activities like rough sports.
- Tendency toward more gentle, nurturing play styles.
Not every boy experimenting with feminity will identify as a tomgirl into adulthood. But for those who do, it signifies a core part of their gender identity and tendency toward feminine gender expression.
Tomgirls and the Gender Binary
To understand the tomgirl identity, it helps to examine the social construction of gender. Many scholars argue gender is not a fixed biological trait, but rather a performance shaped by societal expectations.
Gender theorist Judith Butler describes gender as an "act that has been rehearsed, much as a script survives the particular actors who make use of it. But the script may be enacted in a variety of ways."
Tomgirls diverge from masculine gender norms by embracing more diverse "scripts" of how to perform maleness. Their self-expression and interests fluidly cross the socially-enforced gender binary.
In Sexing the Body, biologist Anne Fausto-Sterling rejects the male-female binary, stating: "The body becomes a canvas on which the possibilities of our sexed and gendered selves are played." Tomgirls playfully expand those possibilities.
Growing Up Tomgirl
Tomgirl identification often begins between ages 5 to 10, as children gravitate towards gender expression that feels most natural. In her book Gender Born, Gender Made, psychologist Diane Ehrensaft coined the term "gender creative" to describe children like tomgirls who fall outside of binary gender norms.
According to one study of gender nonconforming kids, around 61-73% of tomgirls retained their gender flexibility into late adolescence and young adulthood. However, many felt pressure to conform later in life to avoid bullying and stigma.
In childhood, tomgirls may be teased or ostracized for playing with "girl toys" or wearing feminine clothing. Parental support is key in building resilience. Resources like the book Raising Gentle Men offer guidance.
Tomgirl Identity in Adulthood
While some tomgirl behaviors fade over time, many retain this identity lifelong. Professionalstrong tomgirl communities exist, like the subscription blog TomgirlWorld started by Griffin Maxwell in 2013.
Adult tomgirls have more autonomy in how they self-express:
- Favoring "women‘s" clothing, cosmetics and grooming styles.
- Embracing interests like dolls, glitter, fashion, pop culture.
- Displaying feminine mannerisms and speech patterns.
- Seeking out social connections with women and queer communities.
Of course, not all feminine men identify as tomgirls. It requires seeing this identity as a core, long-term part of oneself. Tomgirls feel an ingrained sense of gender alignment when embracing femininity.
Tomgirls vs. Binary Trans Identities
There is sometimes overlap between being a tomgirl and having a binary transgender identity. Some tomgirls may be trans women who have yet to realize or transition to live as their affirmed female gender.
However, many cisgender tomgirls feel aligned with their AMAB male bodies and identities. Tomgirl is a distinct non-binary identity of its own, separate from being a trans man or trans woman.
This quote from transgender author Julia Serano‘s book Whipping Girl explains it well:
"While trans women and crossdressers both identify with and express femaleness, crossdressers identify as men while trans women identify as women."
So while expressions might overlap, identity differs between tomgirls and trans women.
Intersections of Gender and Sexuality
Tomgirls can have any sexual orientation – their gender identity does not dictate who they are attracted to. Just like cisgender men, tomgirls may identify as gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual or other orientations.
However, tomgirls embracing both femininity and attraction to men face stigma from multiple angles. In a 2001 essay, scholar Rebecca Tippett explored the plight of feminine gay boys:
"They face oppression not only from the heterosexual majority but from many within the gay community as well."
Indeed, polarizing views that feminine expression "makes" someone gay persist today. Tomgirls of all sexualities push back against rigid societal expectations.
Famous Tomgirl Role Models Throughout History
While the "tomgirl" label is fairly new, boys and men embracing femininity have existed for centuries. Here are just a few historical figures who may have identified as tomgirls if they lived today:
- Ancient Greece: God figures like Apollo and Dionysus displayed genderfluidity. Dionysus was worshipped via feminine rituals.
- Shakespeare‘s plays: Female characters like Portia and Rosalind dressed as men, displaying gender flexibility.
- Director Joel Schumacher: Openly talked about identifying with girls as a child in the 1940s and playing dress-up.
- Musician Little Richard: Famous 1950s singer who performed in flamboyant, genderfluid styles.
- Actor James Dean: Photographed for 1954 issue of Life Magazine applying makeup and false lashes.
Today, non-binary icons like Jonathan Van Ness, Sam Smith and Jaden Smith carry on this gender-expansive legacy.
Tomgirl Gender Presentation and Style
Tomgirls exhibit femininity through their physical presentation and stylistic choices:
| Some Tomgirl-Affirming Options | |
|---|---|
| Clothing | Skirts, dresses, floral patterns, pastels, thigh highs |
| Accessories | Jewelry, purses, headbands, scarves |
| Makeup | Primer, foundation, eyeshadow, lip colors |
| Hairstyles | Long hair, hair clips, pigtails, headbands |
| Interests | Dolls, glitter, fashion design, cosmetology |
Of course, interests and styles vary by individual. But in general, tomgirls prefer expression that feels beautiful, soft, colorful and feminine to them.
Supporting Tomgirls of All Ages
The biggest challenges tomgirls face are lack of understanding and stigma from others. Bullying can lead to increased rates of depression, anxiety and poor self-image.
Here are a few tips for supporting the tomgirls in your life:
For parents:
- Educate yourself on gender diversity and listen without judgement.
- Allow exploration through toys, clothes, activities without shaming.
- Find tomgirl role models and communities to reduce isolation.
- Advocate for safety and inclusion if faced with bullying.
For educators:
- Implement LGBTQ-inclusive policies and anti-bullying rules.
- Teach gender diversity in health and social studies curricula.
- Call out and stop teasing or harassment immediately.
- Ensure dress codes allow gender-affirming expression.
For allies:
- Respect chosen names, pronouns and gender presentation.
- Speak up if you witness bullying or exclusion.
- Educate yourself on non-binary identities.
- Follow and support tomgirl activists and creators.
Conclusion
While societal attitudes are gradually shifting, we still have progress to make in embracing the full gender diversity spectrum. Tomgirls deserve the same respect, safety and freedom as their cisgender peers to express themselves in ways that reflect who they are.
By better understanding the nuances of terms like tomgirl, we move closer to a world that nurtures all children to reach their full human potential – regardless of how they experience or present their gender.
